08 May, 2021

Ode To The Rainbow's End

Happiness happens. But the patterns of its arrival are random and its departures are staggeringly unexpected.... It appears elementally cursed, like a stillborn.

Ian Berry
Ode To The Rainbow's End

There are days when sorrow is like a physical ache. Under your skin, it is a soiled washcloth the surgeon left inside before sewing you up. In your bloodstream, it’s a murky grey fluid, an effluent without an outlet. Inside your ribcage, it is the deadweight of despair. Even neon seems dim, music grates. People are talking to you, but all you want is for them to go. Their concerns are trite, banal, pointless, compared to the grief that you cannot share with anyone. There are such griefs, and they are the most terrible.

At this precise point of time, happiness seems a myth, a chimera, a bedtime story for children, a poor urban legend. When were you happy last? Yesterday? The day before? Yes, you can remember those times, those moments, but you can’t believe it was you. It was another person, yes. It was another world. Here, now, this you can never again be happy.

You make a list. You start small: mundane happinesses, commonplace joys, random unplanned delights in a world where happiness was allowed? Lying about in a meadow in the...

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