Dear Shri Mohan Bhagwatji,
Namaskar. After carefully pondering over your call for all Indians to be regarded as Hindus, I’m delighted to inform you that I’ve decided to become a Hindu. The first ‘Hindu Muslim’ in secular India! Or should it be a ‘Muslim Hindu’, sir? Kindly guide me because these days yours is the last word. That Modi fellow you’ve installed as prime minister is more bark than bite. You’re the real deal!
How clever you’re at oversimplifying complex concepts such as cultural nationalism, and what a way you’ve with words and their meaning. Wasn’t it Humpty Dumpty who, shortly before his big fall, boasted that words meant what he intended them to mean, “no more, no less”? Pardon me, sir, I’m not suggesting for a moment that your fall is imminent. Banish the thought. Damn me!
But, Bhagwatji, before you start trumpeting my decision as a “victory” for the RSS, I wish to disabuse you of any notion that I’m submitting to its diktat....